The Monkey Circle's quest to rule the world takes shape.....
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Friday, February 08, 2002
To all Monkey Members:
Since the BCM is the only one with enough time at work to run this site, I grant him the duel role of BCM and IM.
The Curious George,
Leader of the Monkey Circle
9:03 PM
"I will make it legal."
-Darth Monkey
11:39 AM
Thursday, February 07, 2002
ahem.....
I refer the misguided MACHing Monkey to the constitution of the Monkey Circle. "Other Ministries as needed". We need an Information Minister and I have stepped up to the plate. Clearly legal.
As you have requested, I have added your Ministry to the Constitution. Your Quid Pro Quo will of course be delivered as agreed, I'm sure.
And thank you for acknowledging my dual role in your last post, not that it's needed. What you gonna do from Texas, MACHing?
IM/BCM
8:02 PM
The IM has agents everywhere. Beware.
Yesterday Resource Monkey sent me an email.....
'I had a run-in yesterday with the after affects of too many sleeping pills and then later with a modeling knife while putting 40K mini's together that ended up with me getting 3 stittches.
To boot, Child #2 was a royal pain in the ass yesterday, and Wife#1 worked until 11pm.
Talk about not worth it to stay home!"
Poor Resource Monkey did not realize that none of this was random chance. The Information Monkey has his manevolent agents everywhere. This was just a sample of what can be expected for publically criticising the BCM.
IM
11:46 AM
Wednesday, February 06, 2002
And sign your dammed posts. I know you are ashamed of them, and you have cause to be, but no one can put the label to your foolishness unless you sign you name.
BCM
9:08 AM
RESPECT.......
..............is earned, so you get none.
You shouldn't be using words you have no use for. Respect is beyond your ability to receive, achieve or give.
BCM
9:06 AM
Not to put too fine a point on it
But when the hell did we decide on "proper etiquette"?
WE ARE A BUNCH OF ASS SCRATCHING, NIT PICKING, DARWINEER BEATING MONKEYS.
No "etiquette monkey" has been appointed, and such will not be funded if it is, Dammit!
BCM
7:23 AM
DARWIN AWARDS: Chlorinating the Gene Pool – 5 February 2002
IN THIS ISSUE:
Darwin Award: STUDENT COMPACTOR
Darwin Award: RISKY REENACTMENT
Honorable Mention: CHARCOAL GRILLED
Personal Account: REGULAR & EXTRA CRISPY
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
Darwin Award: STUDENT COMPACTOR
October 2001, Tennessee | Eight freshman college students were hanging
around a vacant library late one night, when they decided it would be
a thrill to leap into a small opening they thought was a laundry chute.
Perhaps a few more years of college would have helped them realize that
libraries don’t often have laundry chutes. It was actually a garbage
chute feeding directly into an automatic trash compactor. 19-year-old
Wesley was the first to jump, and he enjoyed an exhilarating three-story
slide before being crushed to death in the rubbish bin below.
The other students decided not to follow.
Darwin Award: RISKY REENACTMENT
October 1993, Illinois | A police officer was trying to show another
patrolman how their fellow officer accidentally killed himself, by
reenacting the shooting incident a week later. But the 20-year veteran
forgot to unload his .357 Magnum and wound up shooting himself in the
stomach. He died in a car crash while driving himself to the hospital.
Honorable Mention: CHARCOAL GRILLED
October 2001, Florida | A dozen Burger King marketing department
employees found out first-hand why meat cooks... when they burned
their feet on hot coals during a fire-walking ritual. It’s the heat!
One woman was hospitalized and the others were treated by a doctor
summoned to the scene. The company-sponsored event was intended to
promote teamwork. Next time you complain about your company’s inane
team-building exercises, remember this story and count yourself lucky.
Personal Account: REGULAR & EXTRA CRISPY
"I own a family entertainment center with arcade and video games.
We occasionally replace out-of-date games, and dismantle the old
ones into pieces small enough to toss in the dumpster out back.
"One day I gave our two intrepid game room employees, nicknamed
Podunk and Donut after their radio call signs, the task of destroying
two outmoded games. The first game was sent to Atari heaven with
no fuss, thanks to a 5-pound sledgehammer. The second game was more
obstinate. The boys broke the handle of the sledgehammer against it.
"So Podunk and Donut decided to heave heavy cinderblocks at it.
But that only succeeded if you consider broken cinderblocks a success.
They tried ramming the game with a car, which did little but damage
the vehicle’s front end. Brute force was getting them nowhere fast.
"In the interest of safety, speed, efficiency, and a minimum of
wear and tear on their tools, they decided to burn the game down.
"Podunk filled the interior of the game with fumes from an aerosol can,
while Donut manned the cigarette lighter. You can guess the rest.
Both employee’s sustained second degree burns to their arms and faces,
and the game cabinet is still alive and well.
"Now the boys have new names: Regular and Extra Crispy."
6:59 AM
My Dear MACHing monkey, the ommission of your role that you mention is in the document as originally passed down from the hand of The Curious George. Please take up the matter with him. Will you be asking the Cuious George to give himself a Monkey Bitchslap?
5:39 AM
Tuesday, February 05, 2002
I, Banana Counting Monkey and Information Monkey, have already recited the Monkey pledge in our previous email format. Doing so again would be redundant and possibly over budget.
11:36 AM
AT LEAST THEY'RE NOT BLAMING THE JEWS...YET As expected, Robert Mugabe pushed his appalling "media bill" through the Zimbabwe Parliament yesterday. Meanwhile, according to the Daily Telegraph, Zimbabwe "information minister" Jonathan Moyo (here's a tip: if your country has an information minister", you know you're fucked) outlined a new conspiracy theory about who runs the world media..."
From Daimnation!
Without Further Ado, the Banana Counting Monkey is assuming the additional title of "Information Monkey".
The addition of this ministry to the GMC will allow the Monkey Circle to clarify the distortions put forwad in the media about our noble (and often misunderstood cause). Additional measures may be required to preserve the distinctiveness of Monkey Culture.
BCM regrets to inform the Circle that due to budget constraints, the IM budget will be funded with cuts from the other various ministries of the Monkey Cause. Your sacrifices are appreciated in the service of the Monkey!
5:25 AM
Monday, February 04, 2002
Night o' the Knives, parte the third
Is to be held at the Space Monkey's remote Fortress of Solitude in Everet this Sunday. Be there or else. We missed losing the entire party by about five of the Kong's hitpoints yesterday. I don't think that everyone really wants to roll up new 1st level characters.
On the other hand.......
Oh yeah: memo to MACHing Monkey: Can we use your Gnome as a meatshield or as a missile? Which would you prefer?
10:48 AM
Welcome to the Banana Republic! Our online presence grows every day! It started with the Superlative Banana Counting Monkey's Blog, and has evolved into this forum for our plans of domination.
Posting authority has been granted to the MACHing Monkey and the Resource monkey so far. more to come.
10:13 AM
The Monkey Oath
I, (insert name here), pledge my loyalty and devotion to the "Great Monkey Cause".
I will seek out ignorance and stupidity, and then savagely smack it down with the "Good Books".
I will expand my knowledge and intelligence, so that the "Darwin Donors" cannot trick me or seduce me into following their blasphemous ways.
I will gladly serve in the forces of the "Monkey Warriors" during times of the "Monkey Rage", to push back the darkness of ignorance and to stamp out the oppression of the unwise.
I will devote my life to ensure the "Great Monkey Cause" is fulfilled and that Earth is known among the stars.
This I pledge without coercion, force, or intimidation.
Long Live the Monkey.
9:40 AM
Hierarchy of the "Banana Republic" party.
Leader - "Curious George"
Minister of Information- "Information Monkey"
Minister of Defence - "The Kong"
Minister of Finance - "Banana Counting Monkey" or "BCM" for short
Minister of Education - "The Learned Monkey"
Minister of Earth - "Home Monkey"
Minister of Galactic Exploration - "Space Monkey"
Minister of Arts, Culture And Humanities- "MACHing Monkey"
(Other Ministries as Needed)
9:38 AM
The Banana Republic
The Political Party of the "Monkey Circle" will be called "The Banana Republic" with "Curious George" as the leader of the both the Political and Religious sectors. "The Banana Republic's" main goal is to gain power in the Canadian Parliament and then undo all the damage that previous political parties
have brought to Canada. Then the party will spread the great word of the Monkey, by increasing the IQ levels of all Canadians, until Canada has the highest per capita IQ in the world. Canada will become so famous for its intelligent people, that other countries in the world will recognize their failings and become supporters of the "Great Monkey Cause" and will give Canada full control over the world, uniting Earth under one government.
Once this has been achieved (somewhere in the order of 5 to 10 years), "The Banana Republic" will seek to colonize and explore the Galaxy, known as the "Great Monkey Cause". With renewed focus into the Sciences, plus the Arts (because every great civilization knows how to paint, play music, and write), Earth will become the Crown Jewel of the Milky Way.
9:37 AM
The Monkey Circle
The religion will be based on a social order known as the "Monkey Circle", with the leader Monkey being called "The Curious George". The religious initiates, known as "Primates", must spend 2 years, before coming full members of the "Monkey Circle", seeking out stupid people (known as "Darwin Donors" or "Anti-Darwinians").
Once a "Darwin Donor" has been spotted, the "Primate" must give the "Darwin Donor" a "Monkey Bitchslap" and then hit the "Darwin Donor" over the head with an Encyclopaedia.. in the hope that the "Good Books" will infuse the knowledge into the stupid people's head. (This is a total rip-off of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints, but fuck them... I will send my Monkey Warriors out to kick the crap out of the White Shirted, Black Tied, Badge Wearing disbelievers.)
Once the "Primates" have proven their loyalty to the "Curious George", they will be initiated as full members of the "Monkey Circle" in an elaborate ceremony called the "Monkey Jamboree" which will be held every month. The "Monkey Jamboree" will consist of the drinking of Libations, the pledge of
the "Monkey Oath", and the kissing of the "Monkey Statue" on the "Alter of the Monkey" (a podium which has a 6 foot tall statue of an intelligent looking Monkey holding a sword in one hand and a Encyclopaedia Book in the other).
The "Monkey Circle" will have a security force known as the "Monkey Warriors" with the head "Monkey Warrior" being referred to as "The Kong". (So the term "Wrath of Kong" can be used in the middle of holy wars) The "Monkey Warriors" responsibilities include,
1) the protection of "Curious George",
2) the security of the "Primates" and of the "Monkey Circle" in general,
3) to watch the public for increased signs of "Darwin Donors".
If the threshold of "Darwin Donors" exceeds the acceptable limit, "The Kong" is allowed to call a holy war (known as "The Monkey Rage") in which all members of the "Monkey Circle" are put into their command to cleanse the population of "Darwin Donors".
9:35 AM
"I am going to start my own religion and political party based on this
whole monkey thing.
With a Liberal Majority in place, I should be able to secure funds easily."
-The Curious George, late 2000 A.D.
9:32 AM
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